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karen seacrest thanks you!

call me nuts...

but 20 years later - they still look good.

and when the tour is announced - i FULLY INTEND to buy tickets.

sing it with me now.

oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

welcome to "why you won't be my next american idol". i'm your host. gimpy karen seacrest. workin 9 to 5. every day. and man - does it interfere with fun things like being karen seacrest. my pretty face doesn't seem to keep us in groceries and electricity...

it's been quite the exciting week in idol land...

ryan bumped into something and hurt his knee...

david cook is all stressed out and having blood pressure problems and has to go to the hospital and is trying to shrug it off as nothing. and it's not working either. watch the playback - he didn't look well on tuesday nite...

simon hated everyone but david archuletta - i suspect little david's daddy is paying simon bribes to be nice when no one is looking...

paula couldn't string together words into an understandable statement...

randy didn't say the word "pitch" quite as much as normal...

oh. and little ramen noodle malubay cried her little eyes out and packed her high wasted pants up and went home. ramen noodle - you won't be my next american idol because - wait. is that you? are you on the stage? cause i can't see you. wave your arms. oh you are. well, can you stand on a chair or something? you are standing on a chair? hmf. let me break out the binoculars. hold on. OH. there you are. i see you now. that tiny little thing that gets visually swallowed up by the big stage. it seems like the vast stage area intimidates you - making it really hard for people to be entertained by you. i can just imagine how hard it would be to see you inside the scottrade center from the nosebleed seats...

by the way - i'll bet you $.50 no one gets voted off next week...

this is karen seacrest. out.

THIS WEEK! on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

YEAH!!! karen seacrest has it together this week!!! it's amazing what a thursday night margarita can do...

this week on "why you won't be my next arerican idol" i get to do a dance of glee because i finally get to use the line that i wrote for chikieze the day he hit top 24! chikieze - you won't be my next american idol because every fool knows that if you are going to give yourself a stage name - you don't pick something that can SO VERY EASILY be confused with the word "cheezy!" and with that - i now dub you "chester chikieze - cause your the chikiezeiest!"

until next week when i just may get this out completely on time. karen seacrest saying - always on the rocks. always with salt. out.

i am the mighty beach house tiki god...

i love my new job. i really do. it makes me happy. it's really fullfilling. but man - for some reason - ever since i started - having at least one drink on the weekend has been a requirement. and i start craving that drink on tuesdays...

ps. penn was robbed on dancing with the stars tonite. there's no way he should have gone home before guttenberg or corolla...

last week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

so i am totally aware that i am in severe danger of losing my karen seacrest job. but at least i know i have that radio show and my spots on e! news to fall back on...

last week on "why you won't be my next american idol" we all danced a happy dance of glee at the departure of dear amanda overmeyer. amanda - you won't be my next american idol because i'm tired of looking at your armpits and your hair is so over processed that it looks like a wig. oh. and you stink. and what's even BETTER? you don't get to go on the tour either. na na na na na na.

i'm so mature.

so until - whenever i get around to updating again.

this is karen seacrest - in danger of cancellation - reminding you that bunnies who bring chocolate are your friends. out.

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

okay okay okay. i'm a horrible karen seacrest. and since i don't want to, once again, blame a hectic life style for being late - even if it is true - i'll just say that it took me seven days to recover from whatever the heck it was that kristy sang last week. as a die hard beatles fan - i think i experienced some painful palpitations...

and i heard a rumor that they are singing from the lennon/mccartney songbook again this week. i really hope it was just a rumor...

anyway - so david hernandez hit the bricks this week after a horrible, boy bandish rendition of "saw her standing there." david - you won't be my next american idol because when you say "i'll never dance with another" - i know that it has more to do with sharing the multitude of one dollar bills coming your way than it does with the girl standing in the corner. if you know what i mean (and i think you do - if you don't - google the scandal)....

so that's it. you waited all week for that. i'm sorry. i hope to do better this week (as i have to work NO mandatory extra hours and have NO MEETINGS this week!)...

until next week. karen seacrest. out....

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

this is karen seacrest coming to you - a little late due to hectic girl scout duties. you know - there's probably a seacrest joke there that simon would make - but i won't go there.

so since i'm about three days late with this - let's get onto it.

taking a ride on the "bye-bye" train this week was luke menard. luke - you won't be my next american idol because last week you slaughtered my favorite queen song. and you do these strange little poses when you sing that just scream "i'm an a'capella performer." i can't quite explain it. but it annoys me. and it doesn't go with the songs you sing. and you kinda remind me of luke perry - and he's so 1994...

also taking the limo ride home (but hopefully wearing underwear) is kady malloy. kady - you won't be my next american idol because hello? been there. done that. and look at the outcome. britney's a nutcase who's daddy is controling her finances, who's ex is supervising the kids, and who's baby sister has decided it was cool to be a poor example for young girls everywhere. do we really need to go through that AGAIN? perhaps you could give that "legands in concert" show a try. they have performances in both branson AND las vegas...

leaving us also is asia'h epperson. now karen seacrest doesn't agree with this coice either. especially since it means once again that amanda didn't go home. but asia'h - you won't be my next american idol because america seems to think that amanda deserves it more than you. isn't that sad??

and on an expecially sad note - we are saying good-bye to mr. sassy pants himself - danny noriega. i've taken a bit of grief in recent weeks because i liked sassy pants. sure - he was a diva. and a drama queen. and an attention whore. but he just reminds me of justin on ugly betty so much! and i love justin on ugly betty! but anyway - sassy pants - you won't be my next american idol because i find it freakish for a boy to have such a tiny hiney. it's weird.

so there you have it. the "oh so close but not quite close enough" final four rejects of the first half of live episodes.

on to the top twelve!

this is karen seacrest saying - it's time for a thin mint binge. out.

the poor good samaritan

i feel so bad for the family of this guy.

there was $5 in the tip jar. it probably didn't even cover the coffee that she bought as a diversion...

are you feeling - saucy???

One Semester of Spanish - Love Song
Uploaded by pocatinta

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

welcome to "why you won't be my next american idol." i'm your host - a very, very, VERY unhappy karen seacrest. how unhappy am i you ask? well - i'm 75% unhappy - that's how unhappy. because i am in 75% total disagreement with last night's departures.

who are these people and what the fruit loop is going through their minds when they are voting?? and if i personally catch any of you voting for that "amanda bride of frankenstein" - i am going to come to your office and beat you with a stick!

anyway - on with the show.

leaving us this week is branson's (even though his bio says texas) own jason yeager. jason, you won't be my next american idol because your blonde streak makes you resemble a unicorn. perhaps there's hope for you down the road and andy williams' moon river theater.

now i rant.

hitting the road next is alexandrea lushington. and even though she doesn't deserve it, alexandrea - you won't be my next american idol because your name is really alex-and-ri-a - not alex-and-ray-a. that just sounds funny. and short heeled boots and baggy shorts with bird legs doesn't look good. sorry toots. back home to granny you go. (watch out america - granny's comin after you with her cane!)

walking off stage with tears in her eyes is alaina whitaker. alaina - you won't be my next american idol because america clearly can't keep the blondes straight. they all thought they were voting for you but they were really voting for "brittney" malloy. i only wish you had stood your ground about singing after you got booted. i wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't sing...

finally, exiting stage right, is robbie carrico. robbie - you won't be my next american idol because your name isn't david, david, david, or michael. face the fact - it's the season of the david's. someone start making a statue. and michael - well - you can't have "the david" without michaelangelo. you do the math.

so that's that. because of these three exits - there are three people heading to the top twelve that won't deserve to be there. karen seacrest is mad at you america. i'm putting you on notice (mental note - see if i can work that out with stephen colbert). i hope you can live with that hanging over your heads.

until next week this is karen seacrest saying - watch your back. out.

sounds like a case for dr. drew

wouldn't it me nice to see spezio on vh1 for season 2 of dr. drew?? it would be the only way to save his image. if he goes to rehab again - no one's going to believe him. this way - they could see it happen. if it happens.

perhaps there could be a cardinal's episode of a&e's intervention??

moment of truth....

destroying families one contestant at a time....

sad state of the world...

it has officially been 6 months since i have received any child support.

in august i received a payment of $50. i guess i was supposed to stretch that out to cover 6 months time.

you tell me how i can keep food in her belly and clothes on her growing back and shoes on her enlarging feet at $8.34 a month...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"

greetings. and welcome to the first 2008 episode of "this week on why you won't be my next american idol". as always, i'm your host, karen seacrest, coming to you live and via satellite from across hanley/big bend/what's left of highway 40....

first of all - let's give it up for that new paula abdul video. that was... um...

my mom said if i can't say anything nice - not to say it at all - so let's move on....

last night we said farewell to the first of the 2008 idol rejects. 4 down - 8 to go...

leaving us last night was garret haley. garret - you won't be my next american idol because you're too skinny. have a steak. and some fried chicken. and mashed potatoes. and gravy. and chocolate cake. for the benefit of mr. kite - please EAT SOMETHING!!!

also leaving us is amy davis. amy - you won't be my next american idol because america just wasn't given enough time to get to know you. nerves got the best of you. and if you're going to pull off patsy cline - you can't be nervous. poor patsy was probably rolling over in her grave at your lack of confidence.

hitting the road is also joanne borgella. joanne - i totally don't agree with the decision - but you won't be my next american idol because i'm sure that somewhere mandisa had a campaign going against you (that whole "if i didn't win - she can't either" jealousy thing.). you may not be my next american idol - but at least you still have the "2005 Miss F.A.T." title.

and finally, we say "pack your bags" to colton berry. colton - you won't be my next american idol because you never should have been in the top 24 in the first place. kyle should have been there and everyone knows it. and i'll never forgive you for taking his spot. never. oh. and your eyelashes are freakishly light. so take that kyle spot stealer.

so there you have it. the first four rejects and why they won't be my next american idol. until next time, this is karen seacrest. out.

i'm still alive - i promise...

so i know i've been super quiet for a week or more. i spent my week off between jobs running errands and sleeping.

then jeff gave me his cold. i'm still not happy with him about it.

i've started my new job and it's going great. i still have both of my kidneys. yeah me!

i can boast that i have my own printer inside my cubical. my cubical is twice the size of my old one. i can wear jeans on friday. and i have monday off for presidents day. eat your heart out WU! :-D

i have some comments on the top 24 idol contestants - but they will have to wait another day or so. i've simply been too tired at night to get on the computer.

i promise to bring the brain back to it's full glory soon!

last day

today is my last day at WU. craziness. it still doesn't feel real at all.

anyway - because i was asked - below is a link to the photos from my farewell party. don't look at me - i look terrible.

kristine - i shouldn't paste them here - i should tell you that you have to create your facebook account to see them. i'm far too nice. ;-)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2080345&l=c69c1&id=3114655

farewell party...

so yesterday my coworkers threw me a farewell party. i had a nightmare last week that no one came - and when the snow started i was pretty upset thinking no one would come. but people came. lots of people. a few i didn't even know.

anyway - it was great. they got me a cake shaped like a kidney (which was really as sweet of a gesture as it is a gross concept). and there were WU parting gifts - items to use while traveling - a portfolio, umbrella, travel shampoo kit, and a book to track expenses. and there were silly gifts - 7 autographed squishy stress kidneys. and there was an eiffel tower. and smiley faces. and a memory book with sappy and funny messages. and a nice gift card to dress barn to buy new work clothes.

and there was a really nice speech made by my boss - i think it made mom and dad really proud to hear such wonderful things about me.

but the best was the poem my pal lindsey wrote for me and read to everyone after saying a bunch of really nice stuff about me.

i made her send it to me electronicly so that i could share it with my blogging community (all 3 or 4 of you). and to share it with the poopyhead who didn't come - and you know who you are - tph! ;-)

here it goes!

An Ode to Karen Meyer


Eight years ago, a young Fontbonne grad
Came to show A&D what she had.
Just she and her daughter and some years at Subway;
Karen Meis Meyer has come a long way.

We have seen her get married and change her name
Karen will not leave the same person as she came.
Karen is now 30 and Nina is 10!
Can you believe how long it has been?

Out of the Alumni House, to a new place she goes;
Who will answer the questions that no one else knows?
Who will sell us Girl Scout cookies and buy our Avon?
Will the American Idol bracket live on?

No one’s as familiar with the Golf Outing as she is.
No one else can approve IDs on FIS.
She has contributed so much, in big ways and small;
There is no way we could count it all.

We’re so proud of Karen, and excited for her,
But there will be a hole at workstation 3, for sure.
Karen will offer so much in her new career.
We have been so lucky to have her here.

Karen is creative, intelligent, generous, and fun.
We are so grateful as we look back at all she has done.
Karen, the Kidney Foundation is so lucky to have you;Best of luck in all that you do.

how bout that snow???

check out these lovely pics taken this morning from the warmth of my house....

http://wustl.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2080007&l=3fd2c&id=3114655

how not to make it to the hollywood round on american idol...

1. refer to past competition successes during your audition.
2. fall to your knees in a passionate display of your devotion to being the next american idol.
3. forget all of the lyrics.
4. act like a dodo head.
5. gift the judges gifts.
6. show off your gymnastic skills.
7. use any sort of harmonica or mouth horn. that's not singing.
8. wear any sort of gold lame (blogger doesn't allow accent marks - but i think it's no coincidence that it is spelled "L-A-M-E").
9. look like mortisha and elvira had a love child with marilyn manson.