this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

we celebrate - katherine mcphee. katherine - you won't be my next american idol because you give REAL girl nextdoor types - like me - a bad name. what with your perfect hair and flawless complexion and little pouty kitten lips. middle america just can't give the title to someone from LA anyway and the women of the world want an idol that WE can drool over for a change!!

um. except the alternative isn't really "drooling material"...

anyway - that means - congratulations TAYLOR HICKS - you ARE the next american idol!!! even if i still think you look like my friend rob...

until next season - this is karen seacrest - one last time - out.

things that make you say ow...

i hate how effortlessly she can do this....

dear writers of csi

could we have just one season finale where we aren't totally stressed out about someone in the show only to get our happy ending at the end.  i mean - i know it ends the way we want and all.

but last year nickie - this year brass.  i can't take any more close to death calls with tthe cast!!!

oh - grissom and sarah - not a shocker - that's a long time coming.

if it were grissom and katherine - that would be a shocker...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

we celebrate elliott yamin. elliott - you won't be my next american idol because i just flat out don't like you. you look like a goat. you sound like a goat. and you have a really unflattering haircut. oh. and you totally butchered a journey song. i hold steve perry in the highest esteem - so butchering a journey song is an unforgivable sin in my book...

i must have voted for katherine 50 times over 2 hours last nite just because i don't think you deserve to be in the final two - especially with chris gone.

so as ET would say...

"gooooooood byyyyyeee ellllllliiiiiooooott."

until next week - karen. out.

i'm old.

and sake is evil.

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol" we celebrate chris daughtry. chris - you won't be my next american idol because YOU WERE ROBBED! someone please call security right away becuase there is just no way that elliot should be in the top three and you shouldn't!

just NO WAY!!!

but since it's my job to insert a witty comment here - you won't be my next american idol because i don't like your s shaped sideburns and admitting that you once had ryan seacrest hair hurt your rocker style image.

personally - i'm starting an anti elliot campaign....

until next week. karen. POUT!

stupid season finale...

i'm officially mad at the end of the season shows now. i only cared about two or three this year. and so far 2 of them have totally sucked.

7th heaven

the series finale of 7th heaven was highly disappointing.  i hope i get better resolution from gilmore girls tonite...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

*yawn*

welcome to "why you won't be my next american idol"...

karen seacrest had a late nite at the ritz last night and is running a liiiiittle bit slowly today.

this week we celebrate paris bennett. paris, you won't be my next american idol because i just don't want my daughter looking up to someone who does the "beyonce butt" dance and says "thank yew" in a minnie mouse voice 10 times after each song. it's a creepy combination.

i know that's kinda lame and uncreative and stuff - but i'm tired, okay?

i met, uh, elvis??

i was on my way back from the first of several trips to the potty today when i was forced into a picture with elvis.

i didn't want to. but they made me. said something about my pink top being complimentary.

i really do work. i swear. it's not all american idol brackets and - um - wannabee celeberities.

although, today someone awarded me the honor of one of people magazine's "100 Most Exciting Alumni House Employees." i was honored until i realized that there are only about 60 people in the building...

anyway - they assure me this elvis thing was for a legit work function. i'm not entirely sure.

so - let's figure out if any good can come of this. do i look 9 pounds skinnier??

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

we celebrate dear sweet (insert southern twang) kellie pickler. kellie - you won't be my next american idol because you fooled me with your naive, innocent, dead momma, convicted poppa, never sang outside of a shower likability factor. that's right. i liked kellie at one time. but the blonde girl act can only go so far. and it gives intelligent blondes a BAD rap. and i totally resent that.

i maintain that it takes a very smart girl to play dumb. and kellie tried to play it all the way to the bank. fortunately for those of us who were totally betrayed by her act - a nice webpage - which i ordinarily don't like cause they promoted the wife beater - showed us several things that blew her cover. naive? innocent?? calamari?? i think not. innocent girls don't dress like this. and i just don't want my daughter to worship someone who's totally fake. that's why we got out of the pageant business after just one trip into it...

as of this week - i'm tied with 42 other people for 26th place on 101 the river's fantasy idol - that's not too shabby...

until next week - karen. out.

diet - week....i lost track...

this week's diet update.  jeff got rid of the four pounds that were hanging about after birthday and easter and everything else.  his total weight loss is now 8 pounds.

my weigh in this week revealed that my total weight loss is 9 pounds.  plus i moved a notch down on my belt.  plus 3 people yesterday told me that i was really looking good.

bailey the new kitty is adjusting to the house nicely.  she and sandy are still establishing their rolls of who gets to be queen.  last night they kept fighting over who gets the beloved space on the couch against the open window.  

bailey's really sweet - but i'd like her more if she realized that roaming the house at 2:30 in the morning howling just wasn't cool...

other news - jeff gave me my birthday gift over the weekend.  it's 3 weeks early.  but that's okay.  it's a shinny blue 06 equinox!  shitty car bedamned!

this week on why you won't be my next american idol"...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol" we celebrate ace young. ace - you won't be my next american idol - because of your smoldering gazes? no. because you appeal to 16 year old girls all over the country? no. because you can't sing anything up beat or with a fast tempo or that you can dance to? no. because you exposed your chest scar in a creepy way? no. because you sat there and asked the guys of queen if you could butcher their song with a different arrangement and they said no and you did it anyway? no. because you look super lame with a pony tail? no. because you led me to say "adam sandler performed that better in the wedding singer??" no.

why? because when i was 15 i dated a guy whose dad was a big kiss fan and named is son "daniel ace" - which he went by "ace" - so i just can't say "ace" without thinking of 6 months during my sophmore year that included him flirting with other girls at the valentine's dance and us fighting at parties and the pressure for s-e-x and then they put a picture of he and i in the yearbook even though i asked the advisor not to do it and i bought him tickets for my first play and he didn't even show up to see it and i could tell from the stage that he wasn't there and i slapped the wall cause i was mad and it really kinda hurt. and then when we broke up he still showed up everywhere i was cause he worked at my schnucks and we still had mutual friends and he dated another girl from my school for a bit and the last time i saw him at a party he refused to talk to me but a year later wanted me to drop everything to see him before he moved out of state cause i meant so much to him...

being 15 was awful.

so why would i want an idol who brings all that back with a one syllable word??

get your candles set and snuggle on the couch with your loved one cause it's the greatest love songs next week. ace will be fuming cause he could have REALLY used his gaze then...

until next week - karen - out.

gilmore rant

all i have to say is that if luke and loreli don't get married - there are going to be many unhappy gilmore girl fans out there....

reason number 45 why i hate dieting...

apparently my body is so used to fruits and veggies now - that it physically rejected the pizza i ate for dinner last nite...

my body has turned against me.

evil body...

happy easter! diet update

happy easter everyone!

as you all know - i started dieting on ash wednesday. i gave up mickeyd's for breakfast. started drinking 8 glasses of water a day. occassional strength training exercises. cardio here and there. trying not to go over a certain calorie limit each day (although i failed at the ball game - i admit it - but i had extra calories leftover from the day before which makes it seem like my going over wasn't as bad as it was).

as of this morning, my official lenten weight loss is 8 pounds.

jeff's weight loss hasn't been as wonderful - but we'll get there. he's recently taken up drinking diet dew and tea with equal. baby steps are good.

so happy easter everyone. i'm going to reward myself with a tiny 140 calorie chocolate bunny!

cheetos

ever notice that cheetos taste better when they're shaped like something specific?

dear makers of kit kats...

i love kit kats. they have always been one of my two favorite treats. a couple of years ago, you got adventurous and came out with the dark chocolate and white chocolate kit kats. now the dark chocolate ones rock. white chocolate aren't so great - but you can't have the dark and not have the white. i get that. and the big cats are quite yummy too.

however, the success of these two limited edition snacks and the big kat has gone to your head. in ONE trip to the convienence store around the corner i found the following:

• extra creamy kit kats
• extra crispy kit kats
• orange cream kit kats
• milkshake kit kats
• coffee kit kats
• and i think i've recently seen a double double chocolate kit kat

don't you know that the kit kat is sacred?? stop with the bizzaro flavors already!!!

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol" we celebrate bucky covington. bucky - you won't be my next american idol because - now i don't wanna sound snobbish, or get sued for libel, or anything so don't go taking this the wrong way - but (in a whispered tone) you kinda look like the type of guy that i wouldn't wanna leave my child alone with - if you know what i mean. not saying you are a icky type person like that - but i can't take too many chances...

that said - what was up with the eye makeup this week? seemed a bit heavy to me. but i'd love it if they could teach me to line my upper lids they way the lined the lower lids of chris's eyes on tuesday nite...

what will happen next week? will ace break out into an upbeat number and kill it again? will kellie wink at the camera a minimum of 10 times while singing? will elliott show up in goat horns? will we see a sign that's more original than "marry me ace!" "pick pickler" or "i've got the mcfeever"? will the group commercial actually not frighten small children??

find out all this and more on your next episode of "why you won't be my next american idol"...

until then - karen. out.

dr. mr. anonymous person who called my house at 1:30 am...

1. next time make sure my mother in law isn't on vacation in las vegas - the ringing phone about scared me to death.
2. learn to speak english if you are going to make phone calls a 1:30 am.
3. after you hang up becuase you realize you have the wrong number - don't call the same number back a minute later.
4. don't do it on mornings where i have early morning meetings.

please pass the coffee...