where's mine?

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

welcome to the first TOP 12 edition of "why you won't be my next american idol" - i'm your host - karen seacrest.

leaving the top dozen donuts this week is brandon rogers. brandon - you won't be my next american idol because everyone knows the real way to gain stardom following a tour as a back-up singer for a super female popstar is to have an affair with that popstar, marry her, have kids with her, spend her fortune in vegas, cut an album that doesn't rank on the charts at all and divorce her. that's the ONLY way to gain enough popularity to get your own super bowl commercial...

by the way - if i had played my new american idol drinking game this week - i would have been passed out after the first hour. can paula PLEASE sit down already??

until next week - karen - out...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

hello - and welcome to another weekly episode of "why you won't be my next american idol"...

once again - i am your host - karen seacrest.

it's a big week as we bring things down to the covetted final 12. could you feel the tension??? i'd have to say that they got things about 75% right last night. and that's "technically" passing, right??

now - on to our show...

leaving us this week is jared cotter. jared - you won't be my next american idol because one should NEVER dedicate "let's get it on" to his father unless his father happens to be barry white and it's one of those vh1 tribute shows. under ANY other circumstances - it's just icky...

also going home this week is pretty miss antonella barba. antonella - you won't be my next american idol because - well - let's face it - you already know why. but in case you need reminding. you've performed badly and you posed for not nice pictures and i'm horrified that my daughter was rooting you on because she didn't know anybetter. besides - if you listen to tmz - you have quite the future ahead of you - i won't be letting nina watch any of your future "work"...

packing her bags is also sabrina sloan. sabrina - you won' t be my next american idol because you kinda look like barbara streisand and cher had a love child. even the face you made last night when the said your name. so totally cher. it's kinda freaky...

and coming so close but yet not quite close enough is sundance head. sundance - you won't be my next american idol because sometimes life isn't fair for some people. you're lacking something. it must be the yo factor. just no yo. maybe you should get some yo gos? they're quite yummy....

anywho. that's this week's episode. until next week. karen seacrest. out...

my new drinking game

i'm working on the rules for a new drinking game with american idol...

1) everytime randy says "dawg", "it was aight for me", "pitchy", "not your best performance but" you take a shot.

2) every time paula stands up you take a shot.

3) every time paula hits simon you take a shot.

5) every time paula claps like a seal you take a shot.

4) every time simon puts his hands on the table and then next to his head in a "whatever/i dunno" type of sign language - you take a shot.

5) every time a contestent tries to pull off something that worked for a favorite contestent of a previous season in the hopes that no one will notice and like it again - you take a shot.


i had more from last nite's show - i just can't remember them now...

it's really sad...

when women who are 30 years old (at least) act like they are 13 and snub other women for no real reason.

i guess some people never grow out of that.

and some people never grow out of being the one who gets walked on...

i know i've been m.i.a. lately...

i've been busy and have lots going on lately. a little stressed...

so i just want to do the following:

1) give a shout out to my buddy tph - cause he needs it and he knows why...

2) remind everyone that girl scout cookies will be in on saturday morning...

3) say that kellie pickler looked awful last week! and yes i think she's had some "enhancements" inserted...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"....

good morning and welcome to "why you won't be my next american idol." i'm your host - karen seacrest.

let's get things started with a lovely number that was never intended to be sung by 20 people at once...

on second thought - let's not...

before we go any further though - can someone PLEASE put some superglue on paula's chair? she just can't stay seated! she stands when someone performs. she stands when they finish. she stands when randy speaks. she sits for her comments and then stands back up when simon speaks. and then feels the need to stand and talk to ryan while he's trying to review the number. for crying out loud! if she keeps this up - once they get to the big theater - there's going to be trouble. it's bad enough that the people behind the her will have to try to see over her hair - but if she keeps standing it will be a real visual obstacle for them...

moving on. we have some people to send packing - never to be heard from again...

today - we say good-bye to Nicholas Pedro. nick - you won't be my next american idol because america just doesn't like a quitter - and they won't vote for one. sure - you made it further this year than last year. and you didn't quit this year. jeff said maybe the third time will be a charm - but on behalf of america - i beg you - please don't try the theory...

leaving us tonight is also Alaina Alexander. alaina - you won't be my next american idol because you and Amy Krebs are kinda a lot alike in my eyes - and we didn't keep her around either...

also getting the boot is AJ Tabaldo. aj - you won't be my next american idol because the mysterious "initials for a name" thing really isn't as cool as some people think it is. besides - you really remind me of RJ Helton from season one - and he didn't win either...

finally - walking her way on home is Leslie Hunt. leslie - you won't be my next american idol because your boots were made for walkin (dogs) - and that's just what they'll do and if you stuck around simon was just gonna walk all over you...

and for the record - i refuse to believe that skinny jeans and stilettos or skirts and cropped leggings are really making a comeback. where is stacy and clinton when you need them? come on ladies - let's start picking outfits that look good and go with the song and the way you are going to perform it...

until next week when we send four more packing taking us to the coveted top 12 - i am karen seacrest. out.

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

welcome back everyone. after a long hiatus - i am karen seacrest - here once again with your weekly episode of "why you won't be my next american idol"...

this week, we say good by to amy krebs. amy, you won't be my next american idol because if it hadn't been for simon saying that no one would remember you - i probably wouldn't have made the effort to remember you...

we also say goodbye to paul kim. paul - you won't be my next american idol because feet are icky unless properly pedicured. and thanks to a recent episode of tyra - i'm now terrified of getting pedicures at those cute little salons because you can get a bacterial flesh eating virus!

also leaving us is nicole tranquillo. nicole - you won't be my next american idol because i just didn't like your performance and can't think of anything creative to say about it. sorry. but i can't...

and finally the journey ends last night for rudy cardenaz. rudy - you won't be my next american idol because you look like scott baio and i am SO over marrying chachi. i mean - he was SO 1982, you know? i've moved on. i have. i mean - so what if i was only 5 in 1982 and it would have been gross and illegal. but is it anymore gross than scott dating nicole eggert? he's nine years older than her. and that may have been legal at the time they dated - but he played her babysitter! he was abusing his acting athority!!! what would joanie say?? so sorry rudy - but you have to go...

so anyway - there you have it. another exciting episode. stay tuned for next week when we will hopefully get to say goodbye to people who REALLY don't deserve to be there...

until then - this is once again - karen seacrest - out!

mini's mini's everywhere...

okay. more proof that it wasn't cotton weary.

but hello! did anyone else notice that giant snake mayor killed his sister!!?!?!?!! well gosh!

i still say that this doll image is the one clue they need to figure out in order to solve this whole thing. if they can figure out who owns the doll and it's importance - the mini mouse killer will be solved...

can you say "ignorant"?

this is the absolute most ignorant thing i have EVER heard and totally disrespectful to those of us in the world who would love to have children (or more children) and can't for reasons that are out of our control and part of god's plan for our lives.

i don't think i can even begin to list the many, many ways in which the fact that someone thinks this is right and that other people agree with him - makes me sick...

everyone sing!

if you're happy and you know it clap your hands - CHRIS IS GONE!
if you're happy and you know it clap your hands - CHRIS IS GONE!

if you're happy and you know it - you're inner gilmore girl will show it...

if you're happy and you know it clap your hands - CHRIS IS GONE!!!

what a nice valentines day gift. i'm choosing to believe that jeff contacted the writers and told them how unhappy the whole chris/lorelai thing was making me and made them fix it. he's so sweet to me!

i was wrong...

michael keppler wasn't really cotton weary or the mini murderer. but he was still a messed up criminalist who had killed an innocent man!

who wants to place bets on if there's an engagement ring in the cocoon?

yes, that is me doing that lame happy dance...

can you say - bye bye mr. icky christopher! how cold hearted you are not to get your butt right to that hospital! there is not a thing you do that shows me that you are worthy - you deadbeat!

exes are exes for a reason ms. gillmore (thank goodness you didn't change your name to hayden!). except for luke. he's an ex because you were both immature idiots. now it seems you are both growing up and happily ever after can once again resume...

superbowl commercials

i think i liked the crab commercial and the blockbuster commercial the best...

that mouse's voice had to have been played by bobcat goldthwait...

oh - and in case you missed it - i got to be on the news last nite!!!

happy anniversary!

2 days ago was the one year anniversary of the "inside a goofy girl's brain" blog.

time flies when you're writing senseless dribble...

who is keppler?

who is michael keppler?

i have two theories...

he's the mini murderer...

or he's really COTTON WEARY and cotton weary is the mini murderer! did cotton die in scream 3? i can't remember....

more rules for making it to hollywood on american idol...

rule #11 - any allusion to any type of animal behavior should be kept out of your audition.

rule #12 - under MOST circumstances - you should listen to your mother. if she tells you that you aren't right for american idol - she may be right. she only has your best interest in mind and she doesn't want to see you humiliated and hurt.

rule #13 - don't make out with the other contestants.

rule #14 - paula and randy's ultimate voice coach set is currently being tested on fox 2's deal or dud. somehow - i have a feeling it won't be as successful as the vidalia chop wizard...

rule #15 - if you sang with someone famous - make sure they know it. it obviously helps...

we have to believe we are magic...

it's no secret that there are certain aspects of domesticity that i really don't care for and hate doing with the fire of a million suns and then some.

one of these is laundry. especially folding and sorting. and especially whites.

it's because of my hatred of this chore that more often than not - all of our socks and underwear end up in a magic basket on our laundry room floor and every day we have to rifle through it looking for the aforementioned garments.

this basket is totally magic. because if i'm looking for socks for nina - all i can find are socks for me or jeff. if i'm looking for socks for me - all i can find are socks for nina and jeff. same with the underwear. and jeff can never find his own socks either which i find totally amazing since all i can ever find are his socks. or nina's socks.

i'm not sure how we obtained this magic basket - but i' d really wish it would stop playing tricks on me. it's just not cool...

why can't we have a magic cookie jar instead?

more rules for making it to the hollywood round on american idol...

rule #6 - don't come into the audition admitting that you can't sing and are totally tone deaf and then get mad when they tell you no. it's a singing competition - not an anti-singing competition - what did you REALLY expect them to say??

rule #7 - just because jennifer hudson won a golden globe and is nominated for an oscar doesn't mean that you should turn your audition for american idol into an audition for passions after the judges have told you no.

rule #8 - lose the brooklyn/jersy/coney island accent while singing. as my drama teacher in high school always said - annunciation is key. you shouldn't be able to hear that accent when you sing. and hit those t's! tuh tuh tuh tuh tuh!

rule #8 1/2 - if one show based on talent said no - the others probably will too. especially when the producers are the same...

rule #8 3/4 - and fur isn't cool any more pal...

rule #9 - no one wants to see you have an orgasm.

rule #10 - be confident - but not full of yourself. just sing it.

just call me....

cookie monster....

on sale now - girl scout cookies!