you get the beeeeesssttt of both worlds....

happy halloween from hannah (and her entourage)...

i'm outraged...

i can't even begin to figure out how to break this to nina...

and for those out there saying she was a cheater because she was a dancer. she's not a dancer. she's a performer. singer. actress. you know - kinda like mel b? if sabrina was cheating - so was mel. and jane for that matter - she's admitted to dancing traning in her younger days...

i wanna be that kid...

so i was home sick yesterday with a nasty cold (no - i'm not better -just better than yesterday - thanks for askin'). i got myself all involved in the "Top Ten Most Blingiest My Super Sweet Sixteen Episodes" countdown.

i know i shouldn't watch these shows. but i can't help it. it's like a car accident. you know you shouldn't look. you don't even really want to look. and your totally ashamed about it because you look anyway - and then you kinda wished you didn't.

anyway. blingiest epsiode number one was totally insane. the kid was the son of l.a. reid and pebbles of hip hop/rap fame. and he just moved to new york and started a new school and basically was throwing this party to show off and make friends and stuff in my opinion. i think he had talked himself up so much that some of the kids really thought he was full of it.

anyway - before i give you the total cost of his party. here's a brief summary.

the invitations were custom made mp3 players with a file of his voice giving the party information. he invited pretty much everyone at the school. so like 400 mp3 players.

the party was held in jay z's club in new york - it was closed down for this part.

puff daddy showed up because he is this kid's god father.

they rented a mega expensive rolls royce at like $4000 an hour for his grand enterance which no one saw because they were all in the club.

they had rap video girl dancers hired to dance in the club.

and kanye west performed.

the overall cost of the party was $1.5 million. the kanye performance alone was $1 million.

now if that doesn't buy him a few untrue friends - nothing will.

in the meantime - i so wish i could go blow $4500 an hour on a car that i sit in for two minutes...

totally random thoughts...

• can they REALLY continue calling the show "prision break" if they've already accomplished the breaking out of prision part of the plot? i mean - wouldn't it be more approrpriate to call it "life on the lam" or something?
• how is it my cat can be asleep on my lap on the couch and suddenly just KNOW that there is a possum walking through our yard that could be seen from the window causing her to go nuts?
• if google weren't called google - what would it be called??
• do you think that guy on "dirty jobs" can expense his water bill due to the extensive showers he has to take after each episode?
• i wonder if mel b had a hard time fighting the urge to sing along with the band monday night when she and her partner danced to "spice up your life". even more - i wonder if she was cursing under her breath because the band did it badly...
• i'm highly disappointed in the new pinapple runt flavor. and the mango isn't great either. and i love mangos...

i got to sit in the dugout and you didn't!

i'm probably violating some copyright thing at the moment because this was taken by one of our event photographers. but when we went on the busch stadium tour as part of our reunion event a couple weeks ago - i got to sit in the dugout and stand on the field - but not on the grass - and sit on mike shannon's yoga ball (not as kinky as it sounds - i promise)...

blech...

so a week or so ago my doctor increased one of my medications from twice a day to three times a day.

the drug has side effects that play with appitite.

and ever since i started increasing the medication - i totally lack an appetite. i'm not hungry. the thought of food makes me nausiated. i have to force myself to eat 85% of the time.

it kinda sucks....

except for the part where the scale told me i was 5 pounds lighter this morning. that part wasn't so bad...

news flash

there are currently - as of 11:55 this morning - central time - people camped out in front of the fox theater on grand - waiting to buy......


clay aiken tickets. they go on sale tomorrow.

um...

is anyone out there???

solicitation...

i am soliciting donations toward a fund so that i can buy a laptop.

see - i have this short story floating around in my head. i haven't written one in so long - part of me isn't sure i know how to do it anymore. (what's the subject and where do i put the predicate again? and is it mandatory to use the word "nipple" - i seem to remember something from the college paper about that...) a few people ragged on my writing a few years ago. some people say they believe in me. others i don't think mean it. actions speak louder.

but darnit all to poopyville - there's something in my head and if i don't get it out - i'm going to go insane. or drown. because i always seem to think about it in the shower. and the thoughts just keep going and going and i have no where to put them and then by tomorrow they are gone and i have to start all over again.

and i don't seem to have a computer around when i have time to actually write it. like in the shower. not that a laptop would help me in the shower. but you get the point.

and i can't do it the old fashioned way. my hand gets crampy writing my to do list.

so i need a laptop. who wants to help me? who wants to see the story floating in my head?? come on. who wants to see? who wants to be first???

i'm tellin ya. i could be the next j.k. rowlings. cept - what's in my head is so totally not fantasy...

gripes and grins...

GRIPES

• i haven't received child support since august. and the last bit before that was may. children can't live on $50 every six months.
• no matter how hard i try - i can't seem to make everyone happy.
• i really wish i could do part time work for full time pay.
• i know there's something i'm meant to do with my life - i just can't seem to find it.
• i don't have enough hours in the day. to sleep. to work. to play.
• i'm always tired and i sometimes feel like a bad mom and wife.

GRINS

• i have some good friends who have stood by me through anything.
• my best friend will happily take a 15 minute phone call from me where i do nothing but bitch and never mentions that i forgot to ask her anything about her day before i have to hang up.
• i have food in my belly, a roof over my head, and a thick comforter on my bed and people to share it all with.
• i have homemade chocolate chip ice cream hardening in my freezer - courtesy of my new ice cream maker (4 years is the appliance anniversary)
• i have a purring kitty in my lap who will continue to love me unconditionally as long as i continue to give her food.
• i have a husband, daughter, and family who all love me - even when the laundry isn't done, the sink is full of dishes, and i only have energy to serve hot dogs and mac and cheese for dinner.

stress...

how come i wasn't interviewed for this?

crazy dentistry...

and people wonder why i'm so afraid to go to the dentist...

r.i.p.

i would like to share a moment of silence in the memory of lisa moore, beloved wife of les moore, mother of summer moore and darin fairgood, lawyer, breast cancer activist, friend. she passed on the morning of october 4, 2007 with the printing of the morning paper. her courage, humor, good heart, and wit will be missed by readers everywhere...

and let us not comment on how lame i am to mourn a comic strip character. i'm already well aware of that...

idea for a new reality show...

it stars me...

and i'm a prospective employee...

and i am interviewing prospective employers, spending time in their offices, seeing how they behave with others in their natural habitat, giving them challenges, plastering them with booze, etc.

and then i meet with my - i dunno - headhunter guy - and together we talk about each employer and how great they are or sucky they seem...

and then i hold a ceremony where i give each prospective employer except for one a business card with my name on it and tell they that they are still in the running toward becoming the next source of my income...

and one by one - I REJECT THEM until i'm down to the last two potential employers....

and then i get to decide who is worthy of my efforts and who can go back to the bottom of the prospective pool and start interviewing with someone new all over again....

i'm telling you. it's a totally great, money making, emmy winning, brilliant idea...

who wants to help me pitch it to vh1?

favorite quote from last nite's episode of house...

Henry: So I’m playing this whole game to be like… your secretary.
House: Assistant sounds marginally less demeaning.
Henry: Not my dream job.
House: Actually it is. Just isn’t your dream title.

woot woot pt. 2

ugly betty was pretty good. i cried at the end when her sister came back to reality and said that santos was dead. *sniffle* i knew it all along. kept telling jeff he was really dead and she was dreaming...

csi - i don't know why - but i'm a bit disappointed. can't put my finger on it. however, i read today that jorja fox and cbs couldn't come to a contract agreement and she will leave the show in november. i'll believe it when i see it - we've been down this path before...

and for the rock of love finale - thank god he picked jes! heather is a fat stripping sore loser cow. i didn't like her already - but when she failed the diabetic test - i was uber mad.

jeff wondered out loud if it was just a test or if it was real. but i'm pretty sure it was real. especially the one with jes. he looked "classic low" to me...

hmmm.

i miss gillmore girls...

can i get a woot woot?

let us all celebrate the return of our favorite tv shows to the airwaves. (trying hard not to whine about gilmore girls.)

review so far:

house - not too bad. "you kidnapped my guitar!"

criminal minds - missing it to work on a "potential job essay" - i swear - never had to send a followup to a resume and cover letter that talks about my job history, career goals, and favorite book before. but rob's proofing it for me. it's just like old times.

ugly betty and csi - i'll get back to you on friday...

must brag...

this is of little or no importance to anyone but me - but i would just like the entire world to know that i bowled my very first 200 game tonite at bowling. a 202 to be exact. it's taken me five years to meet this goal.

my next goal is a 500 seires (i fell 5 pins short tonight).

then it's a clean game.

after that - i have no clue.

but for now i'll just bask in my 200 game glory...

yeah me!!!!

so, i've been thinkin a lot lately...

it's no secret that i wasn't the world's most popular child as a kid. in the fourth grade, i changed schools. as "the new kid" - i was automatically an outsider. i hadn't been there since preschool or kindergarten and therefore i was automatically labeled as different. very few attempts were made to get to know me. and the fact that i didn't wear guess jeans and have perms every six months didn't help. i didn't have tons of friends. the friendships that i did have were always on and off again. i was one of maybe 5 kids who was ALWAYS the subject of ridicule.

i didn't fit in.

most of the time, i was okay with it. i dealt. i managed. sure. i cried. i whined. i begged to go someplace else - where i know now i would likely face the same thing all over again. but i dealt. i do remember the occasional incidence of becoming hysterical because i felt like the world was against me. everyone was against me. everything was against me. and it was all done on purpose. the straw that broke me was usually minor and my reaction to the straw was usually just more ammunition for those who picked on me. "look how crazy she is - blowing up over that." but it was the minor straw that was just too much to add to the load.

in high school. it was a bigger pond. i wasn't such a small fish. still a point of ridicule to many - but not as many. the number of friends grew - but i was never the most popular, sought after, "hey we can't do this without her" member of the bunch. i was never the ring leader or idea girl - because my ideas were usually squashed by someone in the group with a stronger personality. so i was the go along girl. i think that high school was my first incidence of conforming my personality to mesh with those around me. most highly exemplified by my three year stint with the pro life club. i did do some things because i wanted to do them. but i did other things because all of my friends were doing it too (which was also the reason i left the pro life club - but that's another story). i didn't want to be perceived as TOO different.

by college - i really think i was more of a loner. i found my nitch. i found my friends - when john let me have them that is. but it's also no secret that i followed rob where ever he went most of the time. and if i wasn't with my friends (when john would let me out of his sight that is) i was alone. i think i was pretty content with that. i have blocked a lot of that out though.

i wasn't much of a "mingler". i, to this day, can't make small talk - which is interesting - because i have plenty of opinions and plenty to say and am full of information that i can talk about. i'm just always too afraid that i won't be liked for what i say about my opinions or that i'm going to sound stupid, unintelligent, or not as informed as i think i am. i lack confidence. i'm not outgoing. i can't walk into any situation and rule the roost and draw attention and have everyone like me. more often than not - i don't think my presence is even noticed.

i said this past weekend that my sister was born with the bulk of the family's confidence. what she didn't get went to my brother. and by the time i came along - there was nothing left for me. and so here i am today.

i am the ultimate conformist. i attempt to camouflage my personality to cope with just about any situation i happen to be in. any group of people i happen to be with. any place i happen to be. however, new situations and new people cause me anxiety. i suppose i'm too afraid of not being accepted or failing and i think it's a big part of why i try to conform to any situation i face.

someone recently said i was one of the most thoughtful people they knew because i was always thinking of other people or doing things for other people. i think i told her she was nuts. but i do think of others a lot. people i know and care about. however - there's a part of me that wonders if deep down somewhere - this developed out of a desire to be liked and thinking that it would make me likable. my thoughts are genuine. but i find myself wondering if they have a selfish root.

i don't like being a conformist. i never realized it. but if i take a look at my life and everything that goes on in it - i find very few situations where i feel like i'm totally me and that being totally me is totally acceptable. i find myself conforming more and more. speaking up where i agree. keeping quiet where i disagree. denying any praise because i fear it isn't genuine. trying not to acknowledge when someone breaks my spirit. pretending to be go with the flow and knowing in my heart that i'm failing miserably.

it's a very sad moment to look around you and realize that you know you don't fit in no matter how hard you try. a sad moment to realize that pretending to fit in hurts your spirit. and a sad moment to find yourself realizing it more often than you don't.

i promise...

there IS an updated post coming. it's all up here *thumps noggin*...

i just need to find time to get it all in this little box right here *thumps computer monitor*...

if only i had a laptop and wireless - i could totally do minute by minute blogs on big brother (donatos suck!) and rock of love (go jess!).

thank god csi, criminal minds, and ugly betty start in a week....