this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

welcome to "why you won't be my next american idol - the harajuku version"....

how about that gwen stefani! she so totally rocks!!! i so wanna be her. i'd settle to be half as skinny and toned as her.

that's right - i'm a diehard gwen fan. my secret is out. you can imagine how much i drove jeff crazy this week.

anyway - as we do every week - we have to say so long to someone. maybe not the someone who REALLY deserves it. and don't get me started on how he brutally destroyed a song written by gwen either - because i won't stop. and that hair! he looked like one of those roman soldiers with the brush thing on the helmet!

sorry - i got off track again. where was i - oh yeah - saying good-bye to someone. this week we say good-bye to fuzzy headed chris sligh. chris - you won't be my next american idol because you have that type of hair that probably just doesn't adjust well to different climates making touring difficult on your hair's health. and you dance kinda funny. and here lately you've been just a little TOO confident - if you know what i mean. people don't like that. they like "humble" - which is why melinda's such a hit...

look at the bright side - maybe your band will take you back now that you're famous and they can hitch a ride on your american idol fame wagon...

until next week when sanjaya wears coolio inspired braids - this is karen "ain't no hollaback girl" seacrest - out.

and meanwhile - somewhere in hollywood...

poor, pretty little gwen stefani is rocking little baby kingston and saying to him in her sweetest voice "why kingy? why did i let them sing MY songs? how could i let him sing 'bathwater'? and that hair? what was i thinking??? how can i show my face tomorrow night in front of all america? he has ruined the faux-hawk forever! and don't even get me started on that 'justin timberlake shoulder beat' to one of the greatest, most personal ballads ever written..."

poor gwennie...

can i get a "woot! woot!"?

i've just been escorted across campus to the bank where i deposited nearly $7000 into the girl scout council's bank account. this means that i simply need to drop off some paperwork to the neighborhood cookie chair, give some cash to the troop leader, and sit back and wait until incentives come in during the first week of may and then cookies are done for another year!!!

this just in!

gwen stefani is going to be the guest musical consultant person on american idol this week.

that is SO gonna be cool! i wanna be an american idol top 10 contestant!!

just not sanjaya. maybe haley. she's super skinny with super long legs. i'd settle for being her this week...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"....

welcome to "why you won't be my next american idol."

i'm karen sea-crest i am. karen sea-crest i am i am. i stand here and kick contestants out the door. many should have been kicked - off before. but everyone is an i-i-dol! i-i-dol! top ten gets to go on tour! on tour! i'm the seacrest host - i'm ka-ar-en! karen sea-crest i am i am. karen sea-crest i am!!

second verse....

um. never mind - i won't subject you to that again...

leaving us this week is stephanie edwards. stephanie - you won't be my next american idol because you look like fantasia and sound like beyonce and i don't like either one of them. so take a step to the left, to the left - everything you own in a box to the left - as you won't be joining the top 10 american idol tour this summer - but you will get to appear on the final show - so chin up.

and that of course means that we will all have the chance to cry like little girls when sanjaya comes to town this summer. run and hide everyone! run and hide!!!

until next week. karen seacrest i am i am. out.

where's mine?

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

welcome to the first TOP 12 edition of "why you won't be my next american idol" - i'm your host - karen seacrest.

leaving the top dozen donuts this week is brandon rogers. brandon - you won't be my next american idol because everyone knows the real way to gain stardom following a tour as a back-up singer for a super female popstar is to have an affair with that popstar, marry her, have kids with her, spend her fortune in vegas, cut an album that doesn't rank on the charts at all and divorce her. that's the ONLY way to gain enough popularity to get your own super bowl commercial...

by the way - if i had played my new american idol drinking game this week - i would have been passed out after the first hour. can paula PLEASE sit down already??

until next week - karen - out...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"...

hello - and welcome to another weekly episode of "why you won't be my next american idol"...

once again - i am your host - karen seacrest.

it's a big week as we bring things down to the covetted final 12. could you feel the tension??? i'd have to say that they got things about 75% right last night. and that's "technically" passing, right??

now - on to our show...

leaving us this week is jared cotter. jared - you won't be my next american idol because one should NEVER dedicate "let's get it on" to his father unless his father happens to be barry white and it's one of those vh1 tribute shows. under ANY other circumstances - it's just icky...

also going home this week is pretty miss antonella barba. antonella - you won't be my next american idol because - well - let's face it - you already know why. but in case you need reminding. you've performed badly and you posed for not nice pictures and i'm horrified that my daughter was rooting you on because she didn't know anybetter. besides - if you listen to tmz - you have quite the future ahead of you - i won't be letting nina watch any of your future "work"...

packing her bags is also sabrina sloan. sabrina - you won' t be my next american idol because you kinda look like barbara streisand and cher had a love child. even the face you made last night when the said your name. so totally cher. it's kinda freaky...

and coming so close but yet not quite close enough is sundance head. sundance - you won't be my next american idol because sometimes life isn't fair for some people. you're lacking something. it must be the yo factor. just no yo. maybe you should get some yo gos? they're quite yummy....

anywho. that's this week's episode. until next week. karen seacrest. out...

my new drinking game

i'm working on the rules for a new drinking game with american idol...

1) everytime randy says "dawg", "it was aight for me", "pitchy", "not your best performance but" you take a shot.

2) every time paula stands up you take a shot.

3) every time paula hits simon you take a shot.

5) every time paula claps like a seal you take a shot.

4) every time simon puts his hands on the table and then next to his head in a "whatever/i dunno" type of sign language - you take a shot.

5) every time a contestent tries to pull off something that worked for a favorite contestent of a previous season in the hopes that no one will notice and like it again - you take a shot.


i had more from last nite's show - i just can't remember them now...

it's really sad...

when women who are 30 years old (at least) act like they are 13 and snub other women for no real reason.

i guess some people never grow out of that.

and some people never grow out of being the one who gets walked on...

i know i've been m.i.a. lately...

i've been busy and have lots going on lately. a little stressed...

so i just want to do the following:

1) give a shout out to my buddy tph - cause he needs it and he knows why...

2) remind everyone that girl scout cookies will be in on saturday morning...

3) say that kellie pickler looked awful last week! and yes i think she's had some "enhancements" inserted...

this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"....

good morning and welcome to "why you won't be my next american idol." i'm your host - karen seacrest.

let's get things started with a lovely number that was never intended to be sung by 20 people at once...

on second thought - let's not...

before we go any further though - can someone PLEASE put some superglue on paula's chair? she just can't stay seated! she stands when someone performs. she stands when they finish. she stands when randy speaks. she sits for her comments and then stands back up when simon speaks. and then feels the need to stand and talk to ryan while he's trying to review the number. for crying out loud! if she keeps this up - once they get to the big theater - there's going to be trouble. it's bad enough that the people behind the her will have to try to see over her hair - but if she keeps standing it will be a real visual obstacle for them...

moving on. we have some people to send packing - never to be heard from again...

today - we say good-bye to Nicholas Pedro. nick - you won't be my next american idol because america just doesn't like a quitter - and they won't vote for one. sure - you made it further this year than last year. and you didn't quit this year. jeff said maybe the third time will be a charm - but on behalf of america - i beg you - please don't try the theory...

leaving us tonight is also Alaina Alexander. alaina - you won't be my next american idol because you and Amy Krebs are kinda a lot alike in my eyes - and we didn't keep her around either...

also getting the boot is AJ Tabaldo. aj - you won't be my next american idol because the mysterious "initials for a name" thing really isn't as cool as some people think it is. besides - you really remind me of RJ Helton from season one - and he didn't win either...

finally - walking her way on home is Leslie Hunt. leslie - you won't be my next american idol because your boots were made for walkin (dogs) - and that's just what they'll do and if you stuck around simon was just gonna walk all over you...

and for the record - i refuse to believe that skinny jeans and stilettos or skirts and cropped leggings are really making a comeback. where is stacy and clinton when you need them? come on ladies - let's start picking outfits that look good and go with the song and the way you are going to perform it...

until next week when we send four more packing taking us to the coveted top 12 - i am karen seacrest. out.