so, i've been thinkin a lot lately...

it's no secret that i wasn't the world's most popular child as a kid. in the fourth grade, i changed schools. as "the new kid" - i was automatically an outsider. i hadn't been there since preschool or kindergarten and therefore i was automatically labeled as different. very few attempts were made to get to know me. and the fact that i didn't wear guess jeans and have perms every six months didn't help. i didn't have tons of friends. the friendships that i did have were always on and off again. i was one of maybe 5 kids who was ALWAYS the subject of ridicule.

i didn't fit in.

most of the time, i was okay with it. i dealt. i managed. sure. i cried. i whined. i begged to go someplace else - where i know now i would likely face the same thing all over again. but i dealt. i do remember the occasional incidence of becoming hysterical because i felt like the world was against me. everyone was against me. everything was against me. and it was all done on purpose. the straw that broke me was usually minor and my reaction to the straw was usually just more ammunition for those who picked on me. "look how crazy she is - blowing up over that." but it was the minor straw that was just too much to add to the load.

in high school. it was a bigger pond. i wasn't such a small fish. still a point of ridicule to many - but not as many. the number of friends grew - but i was never the most popular, sought after, "hey we can't do this without her" member of the bunch. i was never the ring leader or idea girl - because my ideas were usually squashed by someone in the group with a stronger personality. so i was the go along girl. i think that high school was my first incidence of conforming my personality to mesh with those around me. most highly exemplified by my three year stint with the pro life club. i did do some things because i wanted to do them. but i did other things because all of my friends were doing it too (which was also the reason i left the pro life club - but that's another story). i didn't want to be perceived as TOO different.

by college - i really think i was more of a loner. i found my nitch. i found my friends - when john let me have them that is. but it's also no secret that i followed rob where ever he went most of the time. and if i wasn't with my friends (when john would let me out of his sight that is) i was alone. i think i was pretty content with that. i have blocked a lot of that out though.

i wasn't much of a "mingler". i, to this day, can't make small talk - which is interesting - because i have plenty of opinions and plenty to say and am full of information that i can talk about. i'm just always too afraid that i won't be liked for what i say about my opinions or that i'm going to sound stupid, unintelligent, or not as informed as i think i am. i lack confidence. i'm not outgoing. i can't walk into any situation and rule the roost and draw attention and have everyone like me. more often than not - i don't think my presence is even noticed.

i said this past weekend that my sister was born with the bulk of the family's confidence. what she didn't get went to my brother. and by the time i came along - there was nothing left for me. and so here i am today.

i am the ultimate conformist. i attempt to camouflage my personality to cope with just about any situation i happen to be in. any group of people i happen to be with. any place i happen to be. however, new situations and new people cause me anxiety. i suppose i'm too afraid of not being accepted or failing and i think it's a big part of why i try to conform to any situation i face.

someone recently said i was one of the most thoughtful people they knew because i was always thinking of other people or doing things for other people. i think i told her she was nuts. but i do think of others a lot. people i know and care about. however - there's a part of me that wonders if deep down somewhere - this developed out of a desire to be liked and thinking that it would make me likable. my thoughts are genuine. but i find myself wondering if they have a selfish root.

i don't like being a conformist. i never realized it. but if i take a look at my life and everything that goes on in it - i find very few situations where i feel like i'm totally me and that being totally me is totally acceptable. i find myself conforming more and more. speaking up where i agree. keeping quiet where i disagree. denying any praise because i fear it isn't genuine. trying not to acknowledge when someone breaks my spirit. pretending to be go with the flow and knowing in my heart that i'm failing miserably.

it's a very sad moment to look around you and realize that you know you don't fit in no matter how hard you try. a sad moment to realize that pretending to fit in hurts your spirit. and a sad moment to find yourself realizing it more often than you don't.