this week on "why you won't be my next american idol"

greetings. and welcome to the first 2008 episode of "this week on why you won't be my next american idol". as always, i'm your host, karen seacrest, coming to you live and via satellite from across hanley/big bend/what's left of highway 40....

first of all - let's give it up for that new paula abdul video. that was... um...

my mom said if i can't say anything nice - not to say it at all - so let's move on....

last night we said farewell to the first of the 2008 idol rejects. 4 down - 8 to go...

leaving us last night was garret haley. garret - you won't be my next american idol because you're too skinny. have a steak. and some fried chicken. and mashed potatoes. and gravy. and chocolate cake. for the benefit of mr. kite - please EAT SOMETHING!!!

also leaving us is amy davis. amy - you won't be my next american idol because america just wasn't given enough time to get to know you. nerves got the best of you. and if you're going to pull off patsy cline - you can't be nervous. poor patsy was probably rolling over in her grave at your lack of confidence.

hitting the road is also joanne borgella. joanne - i totally don't agree with the decision - but you won't be my next american idol because i'm sure that somewhere mandisa had a campaign going against you (that whole "if i didn't win - she can't either" jealousy thing.). you may not be my next american idol - but at least you still have the "2005 Miss F.A.T." title.

and finally, we say "pack your bags" to colton berry. colton - you won't be my next american idol because you never should have been in the top 24 in the first place. kyle should have been there and everyone knows it. and i'll never forgive you for taking his spot. never. oh. and your eyelashes are freakishly light. so take that kyle spot stealer.

so there you have it. the first four rejects and why they won't be my next american idol. until next time, this is karen seacrest. out.