so last night nina and i went to see a production of to kill a mockingbird with my pal lindsey. lindsey really is a most awesomest type of friend. you know - the kind that comes over to your house just to carry cases of girl scout cookies for two hours. the kind that smiles even when she's really mad. i don't think i've ever seen her vent about anything without laughing about something at the same time.
she even knows shes awesome. she's dubbed herself the master of the universe after all.
anyway - so we went to see this play and low and behold one of the actors was someone i knew, and lothe so much i refused to applaud for her at the end. nina and lindsey gave me a little grief over this. lindsey said i hold grudges.
and you know what? she's totally right (awesome people like lindsey usually are right). i do hold grudges. i think forgiveness is overrated in some cases. i mean - i can think of about half a dozen people who i've encountered in the past 31 and 1/2 years that i'm still holding a grudge against (i bet some of you can think of who they are too). and when i think about if it's worth letting the grudge go - i decided that the grudges are all worth it.
just the other day i came across someone on facebook who made my life hell when i was 12 and got a sick and twisted feeling of joy to see she never got married. (i also got a sick and twisted feeling of jealousy that she has the most popular boy from our class on her friends list - but then again - i beat her to him in the ladies' choice dance at the graduation dance and he couldn't say no - the dj said. that's right - i have issues people. i'm not ashamed. but that's a whole other blog entry).
so anyway. why won't i let these 6 or 7 grudges go? because i think they make me stronger. i think it's possible that if a person lets go of certain grudges and forgives and stuff - then they run the serious possibility of falling victim to the exact same types of negative energy (if not the same exact vessels of negative energy)all over again. and i think i have serious fears of just how possible that is. literally. i have nightmares that take me back about 11 years relationship wise.
so i just can't let go of these grudges. i need them. they're like security blankets. they keep me strong. and since they are mostly pretty immature - they also keep me young. (perhaps grudges are the answer to the fountain of youth. i'll have to check into it.) it's not like i sit and stew over them every day. i've mostly moved on from it. i just don't applaud or fake excitement or want to see pictures of their kids or have a cup of coffee (or be facebook friends) when i run into one of them.
so as much as i love lindsey (you know i do - oh master of the universe!) - and as positive of an influence she is on me all the time - i've thought about what she said about me holding grudges - and i think i'm gonna keep holding. it's too easy to go from being a door stop to a door mat.
besides - i like being immature sometimes....
Easter
11 years ago
8 comments:
Would I know said actress?
oh yes. you would. and your first guess is probably right. and for the record - she was pretty bad in the role she was in...
I don't really have a guess.
The first person I thought of was...I don't remember her name, but she played Scout in the Guild's "To Kill a Mockingbird".
ooh. i'm disappointed in you. you're close - but she and i were never really "friends". this was someone we actually hung around with.
and listened to fight with her boyfriend during the star wars marathon. guess again.
Hrm. Star Wars marathon. That was like 15 years ago. :(
OH! Susan Arnold?
SHHH! don't say the name. someone might read you!
thank you, Karen, for the shout-out in the post. I definitely appreciate the thought you have put into whether or not you will continue to hold said grudges. I have to wonder, however, whether grudges really make you stronger. Especially since you referred to them as your security blanket. I can't say I've ever heard of security blankets considered of a sign of strength, but rather they are usually seen as a sign of fear. I'm not sure of what for you... Maybe security itself, or lack thereof? I might even argue that forgiveness is actually what makes you stronger, rather than grudges, because forgiveness is much more difficult. Lifting 5 lb weights will make you stronger than, well, not lifting any weights because it is more difficult. I don't know... I just thought I'd continue to challenge your thoughts. you are a good friend too :-)
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